The Ascot of Tom Yum Guy
by Claritin D
The moment I saw his blond comb forward, seersucker pants, and magenta ascot, I knew he was the one. We met on a dark and stormy day in the Short North. His youthful, almost Hamptons-esque look caught my eye as we walked toward each other on High Street, his vibrant clothing displayed like so many peacock feathers, tempting me and inviting me to conquer him and make him mine. As we walked closer to each other, I caught him smiling at me. Then, just as I started to move toward him to introduce myself, he winked and made a sharp left, entering what I knew was Basil, a new Thai restaurant in the Short North. Momentarily flummoxed, I stood on the street, wondering if I’d missed the opportunity of a lifetime. I knew it was now or never, so I brushed off my Capri pants, and made the decision that for love alone I would initiate myself into the cult of Columbus-based oriental gastronomy.
The restaurant was small, but impeccably clean. The exposed brick wall, darkly stained woodwork, and modernish furniture made for an extremely attractive, inviting and functional space. It was the perfect place to hold an orgy, or a swap meet.
I sat at the first available table, and almost instantly a small, very happy looking woman appeared with a glass of water and a menu. I barely noticed her as I scanned the room, looking for my future love. I found him on the other end of the room, sitting by himself, sipping what looked like a delicious glass of Thai tea. Our eyes met again, and he waved – or at least it looked like a wave. I had intended to wave back, but the waitress reappeared to take my order. Without thinking I scanned the menu and ordered the Tom Yum soup, the Crispy Roll, Tomato Beef over Rice, and Pad Thai – I figured if all went well, I’d burn off the extra calories with my very own Quintin Crisp impersonator later in the day.
With my order placed, and the waitress dismissed, I resumed flirting with my future ex-husband. He waved at me again, smiled, pointed to his head and mouthing something I couldn’t quite understand. Confused, I waved back, and mouthed, “I think I love you”. He smiled and laughed. I briefly played with the idea of walking over to join him, but there was something strangely intriguing about the anonymity of it all. We were like two wild animals, horns locked, engaged in a strange mating dance, whirling like dervishes. This continued for some time, until his food arrived and he momentarily lost interest. I assumed that our vigorous flirting had left him famished and in need of the restorative benefits of sustenance. I let his mind and appetite be engaged by his food, waiting with baited breath for our next exhilarating session.
It wasn’t long before my soup arrived.
I cradled each spoonful of the luscious and delicious Tom Yum in my mouth and made small noises of pleasure as I took in the subtle flavors of the lime, chili, cilantro, lemongrass, and fish sauce. As I did, I began to fan myself with one hand, and fixed my eyes on my ascot-wearing future paramour, who was in the middle of a large bowl of fragrantly sweet green curry. He seemed to be ignoring me for the moment, but that didn’t stop me from continuing to work up a sweat eating the hell of out of my Tom Yum before moving onto my Crispy Roll. The Crispy was perfectly golden (just like I like it), and sliced in segments on the diagonal, packed with noodles and deliciously spiced ground chicken. Each bite filled my senses with the aromas of the Far East, and transported me to my youth when I’d spent quite a bit of time in Bangkok, my neck in a noose and my hands otherwise occupied. This pleasant thought brought a smile to my face, which apparently attracted the attentions of my Don Juan. He waved again, and pointed at his hair. Was he asking for head? I shrugged my shoulders, nodded my head and smiled devilishly. His wish was my command. It was just then that my Pad Thai and Tomato Beef arrived. Each plate, much like my soon to be sex slave, was beautiful. The Tomato Beef was fork tender and surrounded by gorgeous cooked tomatoes and green jalapenos in a garlicky and spicy beef broth. I sampled this first, placing a piece of hot meat in my mouth and presenting it to the seersuckered one. He must have of liked it, as he raised his eyebrows and laughed heartily. As I chewed the meat I threw my head around in ecstasy, showing Mr. Ascot that I was passionate – and that I’d never met any meat I didn’t like. I repeated this until my beef was gone, and then I moved on to the Pad Thai. I took my time with the delicious noodles and their accoutrement, sucking each drop of peanut and lime flavored liquid out of the dish. This took some time, and after I was done, my lovers face was red.
This last action must have sent him over the edge, for he called for the waitress to bring him his bill. I did the same, and within moments, we both had paid. I saw him stand, and begin to walk toward me. This was the moment I had been waiting for. My eyes were fixed on his as he slowly sashayed up to my table, and extended his limp hand.
“Hello, I’m Chauncey DeNebish“ he said, his lisp lingering in the air well after he stopped talking. I was instantly aroused. I like them girly. He continued. “I think you have semen in your hair. I saw it on the street, and I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time.”
This wasn’t what I’d been expecting. Momentarily thrown off balance, I recovered.
“Why Chauncey, you randy raconteur, are you coming on to me?” I asked coyly, sure his comment was yet another maneuver in our grippingly sexual lunchtime tete-a-tete.
He shook his head “No. I mean you actually have semen in your hair. It’s pretty gross. It got especially bad when you were eating that heavenly Tom Yum. I’ve been pointing at it for almost an hour, and laughing at each ridiculous sexual overture you’ve been making”
Mortified, I couldn’t speak. Silence lingered between us for a moment, before I finally found my bearings and responded. ”Me? Ridiculous? Eff, you Quentin Crisp! You’re wearing a fucking ascot! I hope you choke on your sinfully delicious green curry and DIE!”
I got up abruptly and pushed by him to storm out. As I reached the door, I turned, reached back grabbing his dainty wrist gently and said almost under my breath, “Oh and darling, thanks for the point out. Whenever you want to add your own Tom Yum to my hairdo let me know. I owe you one.”
